You've recently heard that a family member, friend or someone's pet has died. Aside from the verbal words (or, in our increasingly digital age, a comment on a social media platform), many have the desire to send something physical. But what and when?
If you have found yourself staring blankly for inspiration at a screen, wondering what to send or do, this guide is for you.
When to send a gift and what, can be a minefield.
When to send: a lot of people rush to send gifts in the immediate period between the death and the funeral. However, grief is often worse afterwards, when the planning and arranging is no longer there to 'keep them busy' and people have drifted back to their own lives. Quite often a thoughtful gift or note sent weeks or even months afterwards will be cherished.
What to send: You don't want to add to their burden, nor do you want to buy something that may offend them or that is useless and simply creates clutter. Do you know what they eat and drink? What are they allergic to?
The best sympathy gifts do several things. They take something off the family's plate, they are actually used; they don't require additional effort; and they fit in with their preferences – not yours. You may love a brightly coloured teapot in a sympathy set, but would they? A lot of sympathy boxes on the market are very female-focused, high on the 'thinking of you' but low on actual valuable use. Gifts that the family can accept 'as is' without them having to do anything further are spot on. In particular, if buying for a man, check with a male counterpart if they would like that type of gift. (Not every man wants bamboo socks and an eye mask and scented candle ;-))
Food & drink: the oldest sympathy gift there is
Long before sympathy flowers, there was food and drink on the doorstep. It remains one of the kindest things you can make and/or send, because in the days around a death, nobody is cooking (or doing it very half-heartedly) and people typically 'pick' when hunger strikes.
On the sweet side: cakes, slices, brownies, shortbread, or biscuits may be well received (though check if they eat them). Sweets even.
On the savoury side: think ready-made food that can be popped into the oven, on the hob or in the air fryer or finger-food stuff. Supplying the food on or in disposable containers is a benefit during this grief period as it takes the responsibility away from the family of having to return a pile of neighbours' dishes (and the worry they may get damaged whilst in your house).
And it doesn't have to mean unhealthy – you could create a lovely crudités and dips plate or a meat, fish or cheese tapas platter. Nice olives, bread and crisps even.
It sounds odd, but even milk, bread, teabags, and coffee will be appreciated, especially if people are dropping by; it is easy to run out of the basics when you haven't planned for it. If you are local, drop it off without expecting to come in.
If you are far away, consider a meal kit or food gift box.
Drink: Similar to food, it can be well received if you know the person. Do they drink tea? If not, that cutesy sympathy tea gift set with a teapot may be appreciated but unused. Same with alcohol; if you know they enjoy a particular drink, go ahead. If not, it will most likely gather dust or be regifted.
Self-care: looking after those left behind
Grief is physically and mentally exhausting. A self-care gift acknowledges something we rarely say out loud: the person left behind still has to get up, get dressed and face people, often on the hardest day of their life. A beauty box for a home treatment or a voucher for a haircut, a blow dry or nails before the funeral is a genuinely practical kindness. Wanting to look right on the day is not vanity; it is armour. And for the weeks afterwards, a massage voucher, a face mask kit or simply something that says "take an hour for yourself" gives them permission to be cared for when all their energy has gone on caring for everyone else. As with food, know your person. A spa day will delight some and horrify others, but a good tidy-up or wash & blow dry before a funeral is rarely the wrong call.
Candles: remembrance lighting
There is a reason candles appear in every tradition of mourning. Lighting one is a small ritual, something to do on the difficult evenings, on anniversaries, and on the days when grief arrives uninvited. A well-made slow-burn candle is a sympathy gift that gets used rather than stored, and each lighting becomes a quiet moment of remembering. You can browse our long-lasting slow-burn, British-made traditional candles in our candle collection, designed to coordinate with our pottery and wider memorial range.
Something that lasts: an engraved memorial stone
If you want to send something permanent, an engraved memorial stone (or a gift voucher so they can select the wording for their stone) is one of the most meaningful gifts there is. A natural stone, engraved with a name, a date or a few chosen words, gives the family something no bouquet can: a fixed point. Placed in a garden, by a favourite bench or at a scattering spot, it becomes somewhere to return to. Long after the funeral, it is still there.
Our engraved memorial stones are natural river stones, engraved in Devon with your chosen words, from £25. No two are the same. If you are unsure what to have engraved, a name and a simple line is often enough, or the family may prefer to choose the words themselves, which brings us to the next idea.
Pottery and keepsakes
A hand-thrown bowl, a mug, and a small vase are all practical, useful items that say 'I care'. Pottery makes a lovely sympathy gift precisely because it becomes part of ordinary life. It does not announce itself as a memorial. It is simply there, chosen with love, quietly associated with the person who sent it and the person it remembers. We offer a hand-thrown pottery mug in two natural colours, with a packet of Moores biscuits as a sympathy set.
Our pottery collection made by Jon Brewster is designed to coordinate with our candles and stationery, so a gift can be as simple or as complete as you wish. Anything can be sent in one of our gift boxes with a printed personal message, wrapped and delivered directly to their door through our gift service.
A gift voucher, when the choice should be theirs
Some memorial decisions are deeply personal. What words to engrave, whether you want your loved one's ashes made into a memorial or not. Which piece to choose. Whether to do anything at all yet.
A gift voucher lets you give the gift without making those choices for someone. It says, "when you are ready, this is here." For a family who may one day want an engraved stone with their own words or a memorial piece or farewell set chosen in their own time, an Afterstone gift card can be the most thoughtful option of all because it removes every deadline.
The note matters more than the gift
Whatever you send, the words you send need to land well.
You do not need to be profound. Avoid explaining the loss or finding a silver lining or telling your own personal loss story. Say what you remember about them, say what they meant, and say that you are there. If you are stuck, our guide on what not to say when someone dies will help you find words that comfort.
A final thought
The best alternative to flowers is not a product; it is simply being there, either in person or on the phone for them. Check in with them. The message that comes across is 'you are not forgotten, and neither are they'. Food and drink gifts say it practically. A candle says it gently. A stone says it permanently. Choose the one that sounds like you, add honest words, and it will be right.
Afterstone makes engraved memorial stones, ash memorial pieces, coordinated funeral stationery and farewell sets in Devon. If you would like help choosing a sympathy gift, we are a personal business and always happy to talk to find you the perfect gift solution. afterstone.co.uk | vmarsh@afterstone.co.uk | 01392 925061
